Starting My Blog

As I sit here and write this contemplating on weather or not I should even post it to my blog, or take the route I usually take witch consists of me being closed off and reserved to protect myself. I’m like an onion; I have many layers (Shrek anyone?! haha..) I am also insanely insecure and have a lot of walls built up that only a handful of people have managed to get through. Nonetheless I did feel as though I needed to get on here and write the reason why I decided to start a blog.

Most people who start a beauty/fashion blog do it because they have this “love” for both and are really good at what they do. I too have a love for fashion and for beauty although my reasoning behind starting a blog was definitely not because my “impeccable” fashion sense (Tall girl mom styles unite!) Or my crazy good makeup artistry skills again I may be above the average gal with makeup but I’m no protégé. I’m actually one of the most self-conscious people around when it comes to either one, I never feel like I’m good enough or pretty enough to share what I do with others, and I’m definitely no expert so I never feel like I can give advice. But I realized that everyone has to start somewhere and although becoming the next Michelle Phan would be a dream that wasn’t where my mind went when I decided to start Kylee’s Korner.

Those of you who follow me on facebook know that I recently went through a third miscarriage in a row, and had to have it surgically removed through a D&C.  Anyone who has been through a miscarriage knows that not only is it hard and painful emotionally and physically it is also very real and extremely depressing. When I went in for my ultrasound being so excited at 11 weeks just to have my heart completely shattered while looking at the screen and not seeing a heart beat I couldn’t help but think “what is wrong with me?” and “not again”. At home that evening I sat and cried curled up in a little ball on the couch sulking in the darkness that had come over me, I didn’t want to move, I didn’t want anyone to touch me or tell me that it was “ok”. How the heck did they know it would all be ok anyway?  In order for me to be “ok” I needed to know that my baby was ok and growing just fine within me! Sadness turned to anger that in turn lashed out at anyone who wanted to touch me or comfort me. Then a little hand touched my back and I heard the soft word “mommy” spoken, I slowly turned to see my beautiful little girl River standing there looking at me as if she understood completely what was going on. Reaching her arms out for me to pick her up, I did, she looked at my tear streaked face pointing and said “owy” and “kiss all better” as she leaned in and kissed my cheek. That moment was beautiful, it was as if my heart started beating again and I was overwhelmed with the warmth and love that this little girl had for me. I’ve never felt so guilty in my life with how I had been acting, I realized right then and there that I needed to be grateful for this little angel god had given me and enjoy the time I have with her instead of being angry about the baby I didn’t have. Time is so valuable and goes by to fast to dwell on the things we don’t have. Instead I needed to live for the moment and be the kind of mother my daughter needed me to be. I know that god loves me and wants nothing more than to see me happy and If he blesses us with another baby we would be so grateful, but if not I know we will be just fine. I have been given the opportunity to watch over river while she is here on earth and help guide her through this journey. It is so incredibly comforting to know that god trusts us (imperfect people) to watch over these beautiful children. He has so much faith and love for each one of us and we are so blessed to have his love and guidance in our lives.

Even though I write about this now it took me a long time to come to this conclusion.

I exercise early in the morning and usually I have at least a couple hours of quiet time before River wakes up for the day. After my miscarriage my mind would go crazy thinking about not having my baby anymore and would usually end up in me crying or feeling really sad and alone. One night I talked to my sweet husband and told him I thought I would enjoy starting a blog about things I liked and it would give me something to do during those quiet times in the morning to keep my mind on other things. He being the amazing guy that he is told me that he would help me make the site and get it going. I would love to get a larger following but that isn’t the reason behind this blog. I love writing to you guys and anyone else who decides to stop by. It is nice to get thoughts and feeling out. Thank you for taking the time to check out the site, I really appreciate it!

Thanks Guys!

Kylee